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By: Sherokee Ilse

A Sinking Ship and Childbirth Preparation – What do they have in common?

On the night of Jan 13, 2012 the Costa Concordia Cruise Ship hit a reef and partially sunk. Thirty-two people died, 64 were injured  (at least two seriously) and two are still missing and probably all 4,252 people were traumatized for life…many with regrets, nightmares, and emotional stories to tell.

There were no lifeboat evacuation drills for those who had recently boarded the boat.  And people and many staff were unaware and unprepared about what to do once the severity of the situation became obvious.  And decision-making about what to do and how to proceed were hampered by the lack of preparation and honest conversations. 

The chaos and confusion after hitting the reef added to the problems.  It is surmised by many that better preparation and planning could have significantly changed the outcomes for most of the passengers.  No doubt there would be fewer regrets by many.

Each year in the U.S, a half of million babies are born prematurely, 30,000  babies are stillborn, probably millions are miscarried, over 17,000 die as neonates and many more end up in the NICU.  Easily more than 75% of all births have some ‘loss of dreams’ and loss of expectations (long labor, loss of control, something wrong with baby, and other disappointments).   Many of these parents have many regrets, quite a few have nightmares and probably all have deeply emotional stories to tell.

Chaos and confusion reign while parents are like ‘deer in the headlights’ and overcome by unexpected shock and drama.  Good decision-making is next to impossible under these conditions.

Everyday in every hospital babies are born to mothers and fathers who are unprepared for the unexpected.  Most came in with fears, usually unspoken, and few have received guidance or honest conversations about what to do if any number of possibilities occur.

There is a superstitious belief that if we talk about things going wrong we will make them happen…or at the very least burst the parents’ bubble.  No one wants to hear about how to put on life jackets or what to do if the ship starts sinking.  After all, that will ruin someone’s trip, won’t it?  Let’s pretend that nothing ever happens and all will be okay for everyone on every ship or plane or in pregnancy....Right?  

Is a childbirth educator’s goal to keep from popping the bubble?  Is it to allow fantasies of the ‘perfect’ birth where nothing goes wrong (except maybe a Caesarian birth or a painful labor)?  

Or is it a CBE’s goal to help prepare parents for what ‘might’ be ahead?   Thankfully there are many CBEs who have shifted the paradigm to have more open conversations about unexpected outcomes and how to survive and even conquer them. 

However, there are still too many stories of CBEs, doctors, and midwives who don’t go near the scary topics.  They don’t tell moms why they may want to ‘kick count’ later in pregnancy (significant changes in movement could result in a compromised baby or a baby who dies - ‘stillborn’).  They don’t want to talk much  about premature labor resulting in a dying baby in the NICU or even that moms who have less than ideal births or babies of the ‘wrong’ sex can be upset or even devastated and will need to ‘grieve’ their loss in order to heal from it.   Maybe there is fear on the professional’s part, too. 

As a mother of three babies who did not make it to take their first breath, an author, and an international speaker on perinatal loss and other childbirth losses, I have a strong opinion about this…one that is shared by many in our Baby Loss community. 

If ships can sink and pregnancies don’t always turn out perfectly, then some conversation and at least a small amount of practical  preparation is a requirement, not an option.

To that end, years ago I wrote a book that I keep updating entitled Presenting Unexpected Outcomes: A Childbirth Educator’s Guide.  It is a practical piece with explanations of why preparation is vital and how to do it in thoughtful ways.  The book is full of handouts (that can be copied and used in class) along with very specific suggestions of many ways to incorporate unexpected outcomes in classes or even conversations.

For example-

Activity 8 – Index Cards

Alternative 1

List on a card and discuss with your partner the names and phone numbers of whom you will call (besides your partner), if any of the following kinds of things happen to you or someone you know.

-                Premature labor

-        Your partner is out of town, mom goes into labor, has excess bleding, or other unusual symptoms                       

-                Feel significantly decreased movement

-                A baby with some problems (maybe life-threatening, maybe not)

-                A normal birth, but you need or want extra support

-                You have other worries or concerns and need to be checked

Think about calling someone who you trust will support you in making decisions that are what YOU want, not someone who has a strong will and often wants decisions to go their way.  Talk for a little while about what you might do in some of these cases or if some other fear were to turn to reality….

Alternative 2

Three index cards – A, B, C

Each person fills out one of each. 

A  Review your dreams for the birth and baby.  Write it on your ‘dream come true’ card

B. Think of something minor or small that you think could go wrong.

C. What is your worst fear?  Take it out of your heart and head and put it on paper where we can get a handle on it.

The book goes on to describe in more detail how to approach the conversation with each of these cards.  One suggestion made is ‘It is helpful to let parents know that while it is unlikely that their exact fears will come to pass, it may be that other things happen they weren’t expecting.’  This activity has a few phases to it and can be a real conversation opener for getting fears on the table and then helping to allay those fears (not with platitudes that ‘nothing’ will happen, but by giving hope that no matter what does happen, they can survive, you will be there, there are resources, etc.) 

Childbirth Educators and other birth professionals can use similar activities and an open style of conversation with families in an effort to bring forth potential problems and fears in a non-threatening way.  You may not be able to keep the unexpected outcome from happening, but you can help prepare them to stay calm, believe they can live through it, and trust that people and resources are available to help.  This show of respect can actually raise their confidence for survival and empower them to go forward, no matter what happens. 

Passengers on ships and planes have come to expect the ritual of ‘what to do in the event of an emergency.’  There is plenty of evidence that such preparation makes a positive difference, even if people do not like hearing it.   Maybe it is time to make such rituals a standard of care when interacting with parents-to-be.  That is my hope and why I have created tools such as Presenting Unexpected Outcomes.  To receive a copy of it visit the Online Store at www.WintergreenPress.com.

Sherokee Ilse is the author of Empty Arms: Coping with Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death and the book for Childbirth Educators - Presenting Unexpected Outcomes: A Childbirth Educator's Guide.   As the mother of two living sons and three babies who died during pregnancy, she has a mission to improve the care of families experiencing perinatal loss...for over 3 decades.  Sherokee is an International speaker and a parent advocate and has long been a favorite ICEA author and speaker at conferences over the years.

Laura Shanley is a free-lance writer, birth consultant, speaker, poet and author of the book Unassisted Childbirth. She is also the mother to four children who were all born at home without the help of doctors of midwives.  I had the opportunity to read her book and wanted to find out more about who she was, her philosophy, and her work.  Lucky for me she was more than willing to answer a few questions which I have shared here with you.  Enjoy and please share your thoughts!

SS: What prompted the new edition? What were the biggest changes? Were you super excited that Michel Odent wrote the forward?

LS: My publisher asked me to write the new edition. While the first edition certainly hasn’t been a best-seller, it has been steadily selling since it was first published in 1994. This past year a French publisher bought the French rights to it and asked me to write an updated version. This, combined with the recent rash of media attention (“20/20,” “The Doctors,” “Good Morning America,” the Washington Post, the New York Post and others) prompted my publisher to ask me to write an updated version, as well.

The second edition isn’t drastically different from the first – although somehow it ended up taking me a year to write it!  I included new statistics, birth stories and references to new articles.  I also included quotes from authors whose books have been published since the first edition – Laurie Morgan (The Power of Pleasurable Childbirth), Zuki Abbott (This Sacred Life: Transforming Our Life Through Birth), Lynn Griesemer (Unassisted Homebirth: An Act of Love), Veronika Robinson (The Birthkeepers: Reclaiming an Ancient Tradition), Sarah J. Buckley (Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering) and others.

As far as Michel Odent’s forward, yes, I was very excited!  I had asked him to write an endorsement (which he had done for the first edition) but was absolutely thrilled when he offered to write a forward!    

SS: Did any of your research for the new edition turn up anything shocking or hopeful?

LS: I have kept up with the birth trends and statistics over the years, so nothing I read recently surprised me.  I have always been hopeful, despite the deplorable c-section rate.  Little by little, things are turning around.  The recent report from the CDC was very encouraging (29% increase in homebirths between 2004 and 2009).

SS: I love your book and I love that it’s about more than just UC.  You say right in the beginning you are not preaching that your way is the right way and that you support women whatever they choose.  Your message if I am reading it correctly is that these choices should be based on what the mother wants not what she is expected or told to do or based on fear.  That UC is not the way it should be done but a way it can be done.  Changing the culture of birth starts with the individual-do you sense a shift happening. Is it different from when you first wrote the book?

LS: I do sense a shift.  I now get letters from around the world from women that are choosing to give birth at home, either unassisted or with midwives.  Women are tired of giving their power away.  They’re discovering how easy birth can be when they have the correct mindset and believe in their own abilities.  The internet has certainly helped women to make this shift.  Not only are there numerous informative websites and inspiring videos, there are message boards, email lists and of course Facebook where women can connect with like-minded women.

SS: Do you feel like there is more information out there about Unassisted Childbirth then there was when you first wrote the book. Are you more supported when you talk about your choices now then you were then?

LS: Yes.  Prior to the publication of my book, there were several self-published books and newsletters about unassisted childbirth but not many people had heard about them.  This all changed with the internet.  Having my book published by an established press was also helpful in that it was initially picked up by the major bookstores (Barnes and Noble, Borders, etc.) and purchased by numerous libraries. 

Unfortunately, it didn’t sell well in the stores, so now (for the most part) it can only be purchased online.  But the concept is not as shocking to people as it once was, simply because there are more people both talking about it, and successfully doing it.  Still, of course, I have my detractors.  What is most hurtful to me are the negative comments – or outright omissions -  from those in the homebirth world who ONLY support midwife-assisted homebirth.  Many of the websites that claim to give women “all their options” in birth fail to mention unassisted childbirth.  The fact is, it is a valid, legal option that more and more women are choosing.     

SS: What do you think about the “Unassisted Childbirth Movement?” Is it a movement or just a going back to the way it should/could be?

LS: While there have certainly been women giving birth without medical assistance since humankind first appeared on this planet, I actually believe that “unassisted childbirth” as I envision it, is a new way of giving birth.  Michel Odent writes that childbirth has been culturally controlled for millions of years.  Yes, women in tribal cultures were giving birth without medical assistance but their births were often controlled by other members of the tribe.  In many cultures the mothers were treated badly during labor due to superstitious beliefs about women and birth.  Babies were taken away from mothers within minutes of birth and women were not allowed to breastfeed for several days because colostrum was believed to be evil.  In some cultures, newborns were given whale blubber and bread to eat, and dung was rubbed into their umbilical cords.  These practices sometimes led to death for the mother, the baby or both. 

Of course, this didn’t happen in all cultures.  There were many tribes where the mothers and babies were treated well.  Still, poor living conditions - lack of food, clean water and proper housing - often led (and still lead) to high infant and maternal mortality rates.

Women today who are choosing to give birth unassisted generally do not live in poverty.  They are also not bound by tribal rules and practices – unless they accept the current cultural beliefs surrounding childbirth, which are dangerous in their own way.  The women who are successfully giving birth unassisted today have freed themselves from both physical and psychological interference.  This is why I believe that “unassisted childbirth” is not simply a return to the past.  It is a leap forward, a new way of giving birth that is both safe and immensely empowering.    

SS: There is a spiritual component in your book. A sense of faith in something larger-a connection between body and mind and thoughts.  It is almost like an underlying theme.  Do you think women misplace this trust and that instead of finding it within themselves or in the process or nature or whatever you want to call it-they are placing their trust and faith in doctors and technology? And if so, what can we do to turn that around? Can we change the culture of birth?

LS: Absolutely.  It is being changed now and will continue to change as women awaken to the tremendous power that is within them.  For those who are struggling to free themselves from both their own limiting beliefs, as well as those of society, I recommend reading books that deal with the concept that we create our own reality.  The Seth material by Jane Roberts and the Abraham material by Esther and Jerry Hicks were extremely helpful for me.   

SS: I was working with a group of women yesterday and we were talking about self-doubt and fear. They all mentioned that deep down they felt safe, that they trusted their bodies but that from time to time this fear and self-doubt would surface. We talked about how internally the knowledge that birth is safe and that they will know what to do is there but that external influences can come in and create self-doubt and fear. What advice do you have for them?

LS: Here again, I think it gets back to understanding that we create our own reality according to our desires, beliefs, intentions and expectations.  Until you understand the power of your own thoughts and feelings, you will continue to feel vulnerable.  When you understand that your beliefs literally create your experiences, then you can begin the process of honestly facing what it is you believe about birth.  Do you believe it is inherently painful and dangerous?  Do you believe that women’s bodies are poorly designed or that nature or Goddess/God is uncaring or incompetent?  Or that perhaps our bodies are simply a mass of chemicals that accidentally came together for no particular purpose?  If so, it’s understandable why you wouldn’t trust your body to give birth safely without doctors, drugs and machinery to assist you.

If, on the other hand, you believe there is a loving, intelligent consciousness behind and within life that has created women’s bodies with the specific intent to reproduce (among other things), then it is much easier, in my mind, to relax, let go, and allow your birth to unfold in its own time and in its own way.  Some people may object to bringing spirituality into what they see as a physical process but for me it was key.    

SS:  We create our reality. You talk about our body responding to our thoughts and even go so far as to say birth is only dangerous for those who think it is. We are SO overwhelmed in our culture by images and stories about birth being dangerous-even our doctors tell us all about the “dangers.” How can we protect ourselves from those views. It’s powerful when it’s all around us-what can women do to reverse all that “deep conditioning” as Michel Odent calls it?  You say in your book that we can choose to believe otherwise. Is it that easy? To simply chose to think differently?

LS: I am a big believer in belief suggestions or affirmations.  During my first pregnancy I gave myself suggestions on a regular basis: I believe I’m not afraid, I believe I love myself, I believe I trust myself, I believe I am not guilty, I believe I deserve a good birth, I believe I am not ashamed of my body or my sexuality, I believe I have inner help.  I also visualized myself giving birth easily.  My births ended up exceeding my expectations!

SS: As a childbirth educator we want families to make informed decisions which means knowing the risks and advantages to every situation.  I am currently reading a book that encourages educators to inform parents about everything that could go wrong. The idea being that if everyone is prepared then when something less than "ideal" happens they will not be in shock and they will be better prepared to deal with the situation. What do you think about that? Do you think that lessens fear or creates more fear?

LS: On the surface, of course, this sounds like a wise and practical approach.  However, because I subscribe to the belief that we get what we focus on, I personally do not encourage people to learn about everything that can possibly go wrong in birth.  Instead I try to educate them as to why things sometimes go wrong, and from the research I have done, I believe it can be traced back to three main causes: poverty, unnecessary medical intervention, and fear which triggers the fight/flight response and shuts down labor.  When these factors are eliminated, nearly all women can give birth safely and easily with little or no help.

SS: If you could tell mothers one thing what would it be?

LS: Try not to do too much.  Birth isn’t a function of the conscious mind.  The same consciousness that knew how to grow your baby from an egg and a sperm into a human being, knows how to get it out. Our job is simply to relax and allow it to happen. 

SS: Do you have any advice for those of us working with women as doulas and educators?

LS: Encourage women to believe in their own abilities as much as possible – even if it means they may not invite you to their births!  Robert Mendelsohn wrote, “Never forget that the New Doctor’s goal is to work himself or herself right out of business, so your dependence on the professional should diminish every day.”  The same can be said for doulas, midwives and childbirth educators.  If you truly want to help women, encourage them to believe in themselves, not in you.  All the support a woman needs is already within her.  If she has forgotten this, and needs/wants some outside help, then lovingly help her.  But do not insist that your presence in birth is essential.  In the long run, this will not serve you.  After a birth a woman shouldn’t say, “I couldn’t have done it without you!”  Instead she should say, “That was easy.  I could have done it without you!”  Then you will know you have done your job well.        

Fathers at Birth by Rose St. John

I love this book for many reasons and recommend it to families all the time.  It is useful not only for partners but for doulas and anyone else attending a woman in labor.  There were many important parts that I thought we should discuss but I tried to limit the discussion because I know we are all pressed for time.  If I missed anything you would like to bring up please feel free to do so…again-let’s have fun!

In the book Rose St. John talks about the father or support person needing to “Be the Mountain.” What has been your experience? Most of the time I have dads who are very involved and other times I have experienced something quite different.  One father we caught drinking in the hospital, another father was getting lightheaded and faint. Just recently I had a mother express concern for her upcoming birth-she was concerned that her husband would be on the phone the entire time and wanted to talk with me about how we would handle that.  What do you think and how do you encourage dads/partners to “Be the Mountain?” and what do you do when they are not?

What about “Be the Warrior.”  How do you discuss or do you discuss at all the role of partners or do you let them figure it out on their own? Do you encourage them to protect moms, be her warrior or to stick to their comfort zone?

Have you ever had a mom anxious prenatally about how her partner will handle labor? From seeing mother uncomfortable to dealing with blood and possibly poop. Do you discuss this with them in your classes or as their doula?  Have you been surprised or enlightened? How important is it that mom and partner are on the same page, whether its for a homebirth, choice of care-provider, doula? What if they disagree?

One of my favorite parts in the book is the chapter about communicating with a woman in labor.  I ask partners if they can’t commit to reading the whole book to at least take a peek at this chapter. What do you tell your clients/students about how to communicate in labor? About using touch and intuition and holding space? How much emphasis do you place on communication in labor?  Do you discuss the idea that mom may dislike something they try but that its important to go back in later and not recoil from her?

In the media we often see moms screaming at her partner-blaming him for the turmoil she is experiencing.  Do moms bring that up in your classes and how do you encourage that discussion?

We all know dad/partner’s energy can also have an effect on mom and the progress of labor to a certain extent.  When discussing breathing techniques that are suggested in the book do you encourage partners to practice prenatally as well? How much time to you spend (if any) on partners fears and concerns about pregnancy, labor, birth, parenting?

Another one of my favorite chapters introduces readers to terminology and jargon medical professionals may use.  As a doula at a birth I often find myself having to remind parents what asynclitic and occiput posterior mean.  I think this chapter is important because it empowers partners to know what is being discussed and to not feel like they are being talked down to or thought of as unintelligent and it's another way for them to protect mom. What do you think?

In chapter ten St. John offers many excellent “tools” to use in labor.  Have you used any of these and if so what are your favorites? If you haven’t used any what would you like to try?  Some examples include; nostril breathing, soft gazing, hand on upper abdomen technique.

In chapter thirteen St. John discusses pain medication.  I think the most common question I get from partners is “how will I know when she really wants pain medication or when she is just asking for more help.” What do you suggest to partners and how can you tell the difference as a support person at a birth?

Another empowering chapter for partners deals with deciding when to leave for the hospital or birth center.  I think this is a high anxiety point for partners as well.  The checklist provides information about when is a good time to leave.  Is there anything you would add or anything you disagree with?

Another important and somewhat stress relieving chapter for partner’s covers the unexpected.  Do you cover this in class? In how much detail? Do you think it’s important for couples to know what to do in an “emergency” or do you think it frightens them unnecessarily?

There are three main goals for partners in the book.  1. Be the Mountain 2. Be the Warrior 3. Be Centered Anything you would add? If you only had a few minutes to talk to a partner what would be the most important information/advice you would give?

Do you have experience (outside of this book) with the St. John Birthing Method? If so, please share. 

I was so excited to receive this response from a man who came upon my last blog entry, "What do men think?" The insight Tom Lampman provides in the following paragraphs gives us a great view of the way a man's mind functions and how that function relates to birth. Enjoy! 

What do men think? The answer is simple. They don’t think. Men react! To assume that men dwell on the subject of reproduction (other than the obvious), labour, birth, lactation or any other feminine concerns is to be naïve to the extreme. I do not want to appear hard in my evaluation of their level of interest or concern, but we have to face facts. Men are completely different creatures than women’s stereotypical dream of the sensitive new-age guy that dotes on her every whim. Guys have been created to specialize in behaviours that are intrinsically male and, justifiably, linked to sex, food and beer, if you choose to believe the ads at half-time. To think otherwise, is to delude yourselves that somewhere, down deep, there is a caring, compassionate, sensitive, man waiting to be liberated from the rigors of their testosterone burdened physiognomy. The good ole days of Lamaze classes and attentive fathers were a brief glimmer of hope that appeared in the sky only to pale, quickly, in this fast paced, insensitive world.

​Now, if you haven’t already written me off as one of these androgenic cretins that surfaces on a regular basis on CNN or FOX news, let me explain. My wife and I have participated in six pregnancies and deliveries, two of them home births. We taught Lamaze and prenatal education as a team for almost a decade at two well respected and established hospitals in Winnipeg in the 70’s. We served as the Manitoba coordinators of the ICEA for part of that time and were active in the La Leche League for quite a while. We have five children aged from 38 to 19. During that time, we were very successful in bringing young couples to a new awareness of the experience of childbirth and the potential it has in bonding a couple. We were not the “whole-earth, Gaskin-esque, communal eccentrics” of this era, but taught in an environment of over medical specialization and the political intrigue of large hospitals and medical staffs. As fraught as this environment was in difficulties, we enjoyed the experience and learned a great deal about people and relationships and, hopefully, aided the cause.

​Unfortunately, in my opinion, that appears to be more the exception than the rule today, as I feel that trend may be slipping away. To that end, my previous comments were designed to elucidate a seldom discussed reality. That is that there has always been a real potential to bring men and women to a closer understanding of the process and an appreciation of each other as a couple and family that childbirth education offers. However, that can only happen when it is viewed from opposite sides of the equation. That’s where understanding begins.  A disequilibrium is formed and the tension must be resolved if it is to have purpose. It is from these polar opposites that a true physical and emotional bond can be formed.

​As for the team issue, you are probably asking how in the world did someone “sucker” this guy into this singular female endeavor. At the time, there was a decided concern that female instructors were not connecting with the husbands. Husbands were fast becoming the visage of a pair of brown shoes with a tuxedo. Something needed to be done. As luck would have it, when asked for volunteers to step forward, everyone else took one step backward and there I was. My course had been set and my male pride (or female fear) wouldn’t have allowed it to develop otherwise.

​It was felt that husbands were becoming an addendum rather than a lynchpin in the journey. They sat back and tolerated the proceedings. Occasionally, a bold husband might ask the expected question of how soon after the baby is born can they resume sex. Although rather one-track, these types of questions came from an unsophisticated honesty of the classic male mindset. Female instructors would usually opt for an answer that gauged the needs of the wife and asked husbands to practice patience in any extracurricular activities. Meanwhile, husbands were thinking in seconds, minutes, or hours; certainly not days or weeks. Being precocious by nature, I would usually respond by saying that it depended on whether they had a private or semi-private room and shying from the classic “a gentleman waits for the placenta”. Fortunately, these apparent uncouth responses had an endearing quality about them that men responded to and opened up an opportunity for discussion that would otherwise not have happened. It was at this point that I sensed that an opportunity was being presented that we couldn’t ignore.  

​Over the years of teaching, it became very apparent that men like to take things apart and put them back together. They like to fix things whether it be an electrical appliance or their wife’s current emotional conundrum. They’re the ones that run into burning buildings, enjoy boxing, rescue damsels and repair occluded coronary arteries. Approaching birth with a male perspective of how things work, only begets more curiosity which draws them in. The trick is to engage them in what’s happening. It’s to pique their sense of wonder and how the pieces fit together. If they know how things work, they have the potential for control. What are men all about if not, “control”? This call to make a difference lays the groundwork for developing a good coach and husband. It is this solid male state of being that becomes the raw ingredient in a persevering, supportive man. My wife and I were privileged to train a lot of good coaches, thanks to this realization, to the benefit of soon-to-be moms.

​As unfortunate as it may have been at the time, no sooner than we got rolling, we found ourselves moving off to Alberta to take up work in, of all things, the dairy business. You can only imagine what a benefit our prenatal education was in this occupation. We lost our connection to our avocation in childbirth education as family life and a new location captured our time and energies. In retrospect, it was a passage into a new phase of our lives that was bittersweet, as we never really got back into it. Life can do that to you.

​The real beauty of our association with childbirth education over the years has been that it has taught us that each and every birth is a unique experience. As much as we want to induce a medical and pedagogical approach to this miraculous event, the failure to allow nature to take its course and allow us to deal with the incremental anomalies of life, only regiments us into a stifling array of what should and what shouldn’t happen. Pathology can rob us of the joy of surprise, of the expectation of the unexpected and the realization of what is new. Isn’t that what life is really about? Our educating efforts should be towards understanding the process and the appreciation of life. The complexities of life on this planet is what we all long to savour; not the sameness. I’m sure that is why the death of a child is so devastating to new parents, because it steals that potential for diversity. We don’t throw caution to the wind, mind you, but adjust to the dictates of nature, which win in the vast majority of cases.

​A large part of why I’m writing you now is due to an experience that helped to culminate part of my original premise. We as humans really don’t think. Usually the situation forces us to do what comes naturally, to react, to do. It’s through that “doing” that we become. I guess that’s why we refer to ourselves as human “beings” not “human doings”. The particular event of which I speak was the birth of our grandson on New Year’s Day 2012. I’m sure it was divinely ordained that both my wife and I were able to be in attendance at this miraculous event. It is extremely rare that grandparents would be in attendance at the birth of their grandchild. However, things just worked out that way much to the benefit of our families.

​ My daughter is not an avid” home-birther” or  a medical professional, just an expectant mom mildly equipped with a sound understanding of what to expect and the techniques to apply. Soon-to-be Grandpa and Grandma fell into full stride as things progressed. Right off the mark, Grandpa was telling son-in-law to time the contractions and to encourage his wife to ride them to her advantage. He was strategically placing the hot water bottle where his wife directed him and there for her to hold on to in the tough spots. Grandma was breathing along with her daughter and keeping her focused. Our daughter stood through much of her labour leaning over the labour bed and on her husband with the accompanying grimaces and winces of labour. Delivery was arduous and seemed longer than I remembered my wife’s labours, but as normal as the law of averages dictate. My wife and I backed off as things became more intense and were not front row center when not-so-little Jacob came into the world (9lbs. 5 oz.). Yes, there were a couple of lacerations and a bit more blood was lost than is normal, but the uterus clamped down nicely with a little nudge of oxytocin. Jacob let out his first cries to the excitement of his father and pinked up beautifully. The labour and birth room filled up quickly with the attending professionals as they did the prescribed duties as my daughter resigned herself that it was over. Before we knew it, mom and dad and Gramps and Grandma were alone sharing a very unique experience; the celebration of a new life.

​There were several times that the attending nurse complimented us on how controlled the situation was. As much as I know it tempted some of the nurses to comment on deviations from the norm while monitoring the process, most sat back and watched things progress. Many were impressed that no analgesics were used. Little Jacob came into the world, bright eyed and looking around trying to figure out what was going on. Eventually, the family settled down into their newborn room as night drew nigh. The evening ended with mom, dad and baby settling down as Gramps and Grandma sailed home in a state of astonished contentment.

​So, what’s my point? Dads need to be part of the birth experience despite their ignorance! To see a number of expectant fathers in the neighbouring waiting room, took me back to the post-war years of proud men and surprised wives. It may seem harsh to say, but men will never be able to understand the event or even have a vague concept of the effort required, tolerance of pain or the myriad of sensations that a female must contend with during the birth of a child. They must be trained, not to react, but to respond in a metered and pragmatic way. They must there in the “clutch” moments when she feels she can’t go on and be the support that she longs for. And, if they pay attention, remain curious and strive to understand what their wives are doing for the benefit of their family (including grandpas and grandmas), they can become the lynchpin that holds them together. Men, truly, have a place in this predominantly female endeavor, but apart from it. The contrast is essential if it is to have meaning.

​As childbirth educators, and especially as men, if we don’t continually reclaim this, we stand to lose much more than we’ve gained.​Tom Lampman, Calmar, Alberta, Canada

Do you ever wonder what men really think about pregnancy, labor, birth, and breastfeeding? Is there a moment when they are jealous that the cannot experience it all first hand? Or do they secretly think "Oh wow, that was gross!" even as they are smiling and nodding while they watch us have a bowel movement in the middle of pushing our children out? 

I have caught my own husband inadvertently let his true feelings peek through his facial expressions, especially when I am excitedly sharing what I've just learned from reading my latest book on placental preservation. While he truly remains supportive, his (sometimes still immature) male mind is full of jokes, related anecdotes, and other inappropriate material forever ready to spill out at the worst moment. Most men only have to dwell on the intricacies of childbirth for nine months at a time, a few times in their lives (unless they are employed in the field)--as birth professionals,  our men have to live childbirth morning, noon, and night! 

And let's talk about men employed in the birth field for just a moment. What about the women in their lives? Do they ever feel threatened, or that their man is becoming less of a man because he sees vaginas all day long? Now I know that's a touchy subject, but as the old adage goes, it's always the plumber who has the leaky faucet. He's so busy fixing other people's faucets he's too tired/bored/sick of looking at faucets to fix his own when he gets home. Something to think about. On the flip side, I suppose a man working with pregnant women, babies, and new mothers on a daily basis might also become more tender, more loving, more compassionate  and more understanding when their wife has PMS or PPD. 

As we continue discussing men and childbirth this month, let's try and look at the subject from both sides. Since men and women can be so different, yetit requires both to make a baby, I think it is important to bridge the gap between mindsets whenever possible.